Supporting someone who is grieving

The most useful thing to know

People disappear. The week of the death, a bereaved person is surrounded — visitors, food, cards, phone calls. Three weeks later almost all of it has gone, and that is exactly the point at which the reality lands and the grief gets properly hard.

If you do one thing from this page, do this: put a reminder in your phone for six weeks after the funeral, and get in touch then. You will be one of the very few people who does, and it lands with disproportionate force.

Do the same for the anniversary and their birthday, for two years.

What to say

Short and true beats eloquent:

• “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
• “I heard about your dad. I’m thinking of you.”
• “I loved her. I keep thinking about the time she…”
• “I don’t want to intrude, but I didn’t want to say nothing either.”

Then stop talking and let them fill the silence, or not. You are not there to produce comfort. The message is that you turned up.

Say the dead person’s name. Use the past tense — “was”, “died” — rather than “passed”, “lost”, “gone”. Euphemism is well meant and it makes people feel the death is something shameful to be edged around.

What not to say

Anything that explains, minimises or tidies:

• “At least it was quick.” “At least they had a good innings.” “At least you had time to prepare.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.” “It was their time.” “She’s in a better place.”
• “You’ll find someone else.” “You’re young, you can have another.”
• “You’ve got to be strong for the children.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “Let me know if you need anything.”

That last one sounds kind and is the most common of all. It hands a bereaved person the job of identifying a need, working out who might meet it, and asking. Nobody in the first month has the capacity for that, so nothing gets asked for and nothing gets done.

What actually helps

Be specific and easy to refuse. “I’m dropping a lasagne round on Tuesday, I won’t come in unless you want me to.” “I’ll do the school run this week — I’m doing it anyway.” “I’m going to the supermarket at six, text me a list.” Give a definite offer and an easy way out of it.

Food that requires nothing. Not a hamper of ingredients. Things that go in the oven or the microwave, in containers that do not need returning.

The dull jobs. Dog walking. Bins. Ironing something for the funeral. Answering the door. Sitting in the house so it is not silent.

Come to the arrangement meeting and take notes. They will not retain any of it, and having somebody in the room who can later say “no, you agreed to X, not Y” is worth a great deal.

Come back for the paperwork. Two months later, the letters have started, each of which requires ringing an organisation and saying the sentence again. Offering to sit with somebody and work through a pile of it is among the most useful things anyone can do, and almost nobody thinks of it.

Keep inviting them. They will say no repeatedly. Invite them anyway. Being dropped from the list because people assumed you would not want to come is one of the loneliest parts of being widowed, and it happens constantly.

What not to do

• Do not tell them how to grieve, or which stage they are at, or that they should be further on.
• Do not make it about you. Your own bereavement, however similar, is a different one. A brief “when my mother died I found…” can help; a long account does not.
• Do not push them into counselling they have not asked for. Most people recover with the people around them. Mention that free help exists and leave it there.
• Do not disappear because you feel awkward. Being forgotten hurts far more than being handled clumsily.

Particular situations

Suicide, or a sudden or violent death. Additional layers: shock, an investigation, an inquest, sometimes press attention, and other people’s discomfort — friends often withdraw precisely here. Follow the bereaved person’s lead about details, do not ask what happened, and know that specialist support exists (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, and Sudden for sudden death). See where to get help .

The death of a child. There is no comparable loss and no useful comparison. Say the child’s name, remember the birthday, and stay for years rather than months. Child Bereavement UK and The Compassionate Friends both support parents, and the latter is run by bereaved parents themselves.

A death that other people minimise. A miscarriage, a stillbirth, an ex-partner, a friend, a pet, a colleague, an estranged parent. Grief that other people do not recognise is disenfranchised grief, and it is harder for exactly that reason. Taking it seriously is the whole of the help.

Related

What grief actually feels like · Children and grief · Where to get help