Playing a family game at Christmas after a death: rituals, the empty chair and what to expect

The first Christmas after a death is often the hardest. The house may feel quieter than it has ever been, the usual traditions can seem wrong without the person who shaped them, and the empty chair is hard to ignore. Many families look for something to do with the evening, and a game is one of the most common answers. It gives people a reason to sit together, something to focus on besides grief, and a few moments of ordinary laughter.

This guide is for anyone who is thinking about playing a game this Christmas, or who is wondering whether to do it at all. Nothing here has to be done. Some families play straight through the day, some play once and stop, and some decide to sit quietly together instead. All of those can be right.

Why a game can help

A game gives a group something to do with its hands and its attention. It creates a clear beginning and end, and it gives people a role. For someone who has been dreading the long gaps in the day, that structure can make the hours easier to get through.

Games also allow laughter without anyone having to make a speech. People can be silly, competitive or quiet, and still be part of the group. That can matter a great deal in the first year, when conversation often feels like a performance.

A game is not a cure, and it is not a test of whether a family is coping. It can also hurt if the game was the person’s favourite and sitting down to it brings the loss into the room. Check with the people who will be there before you decide.

Choosing a game for a hard year

Pick something with simple rules and short rounds. A familiar card game that everyone already knows is usually better than learning something new, because new rules take concentration that tired people may not have. A quiz with questions chosen by the family, a picture-based game or a co-operative game, where everyone wins or loses together, can all work well.

It is worth avoiding games with a leaderboard or a strong element of rivalry if the room is fragile. Competition can feel unkind when someone is missing, and an argument over the score can become the memory of the day. If you do play a competitive game, agree in advance that it does not need to be taken seriously.

Keep sessions short. Half an hour with a break is often enough, and it is easier to return to a game later than to force a long one when people are worn out.

Keeping the person’s own rules

Many families have a game that belonged to the person who has died. It might be the one they always set up, the one they insisted on playing a certain way, or the one with the score pad kept in a drawer. Asking whether to play it can be a good way to start a conversation, but it is a decision for the whole group.

If you do play it, you can keep small things that were theirs. Use their chair, or let someone sit in it and take a turn for them. Keep their rule, even if it is slightly odd. Some families write the rule on a card and read it aloud at the start of the game. Others prefer not to mention it at all. Both are fine.

Making room for the empty chair

Many people find it helps to acknowledge the absence rather than try to ignore it. A candle, a photograph or a short moment of quiet before the first move can do this. Some families invite each person to say one thing they remember, but only if people want to. Do not insist. Someone who is not ready to speak should be allowed to pass without comment.

Be ready for tears, long silences or someone leaving the table. Those reactions are part of grief and are not a sign that the game has failed. Let the person come back when they are ready, or let them stay away.

Children and young people

Children often want to join in the game because it feels normal, and that can be a comfort to them. Keep the rules simple and let them choose their place. Tell them in advance that the day may feel different, and that they can leave the table at any time. The children and grief page has more on what children may need, and how they often show their feelings differently from adults.

Young people may prefer to sit a little apart and watch. That is still participation. Do not push them into the centre of the game.

When the game is too much

Stop the game if it is not helping. You do not have to finish a round, a match or a quiz. A simple “shall we stop there?” is enough, and it gives everyone permission to step away.

If someone is alone on Christmas Day, or is struggling in the evening, reach out to them directly. A short message or a phone call can mean a lot. If grief becomes too heavy to carry alone, the where to get help page lists free UK helplines that you or the person can ring at any time, including over the holidays.

Planning the day

A little planning can take pressure off the day. Agree in advance who is hosting, what time people will arrive and whether anyone will leave early. Choose the games the night before, so nobody has to argue about it on the day. Tell guests what you have planned, especially if one of them may find the game difficult.

Above all, let the day be what it is. For some families it will be a game, a meal and a walk. For others it will be a quiet afternoon in a room with photographs. Neither is the wrong way to mark the first Christmas.

Key points

• A family game can give the first Christmas a shape, a focus and a few moments of ordinary laughter.
• Choose simple, familiar games with short rounds, and avoid a fierce competitive edge.
• Ask the group before playing the person’s own game, and keep their rules or their chair if it feels right.
• Acknowledge the empty chair gently, and let people pass if they do not want to speak.
• Children and young people can join in on their own terms.
• Stopping early is allowed, and free helplines are available over the holidays.

For practical help with the first year, read the first year . It describes what many people find and when the hardest weeks tend to arrive.